The Alien’s Report


Imagine if an alien came down to the Earth. What a field day they would have.

I say ‘they’, as I don’t want to assume their gender. I mean it’s hard enough on this planet if you make a gender faux pas but imagine making a cosmic one! And anyway, what gender does an alien have with 6 titties, 8 testicles, 3 vaginas, 5 penises and 6 anuses? Don’t worry I’m sure Facebook with its 71 genders will add one in due time and we’ll be fine.

So, the alien has a little walk around the planet, soaking in the atmosphere and finally places itself on a bar stool alongside a human in a pub in Soho. The human turns his head, nods to say hi and returns to drowning himself in his alcoholic beverage. The alien orders a drink and they both sit there staring at the horizon of bottled spirits.

“So, enjoying earth?” Asks the human breaking the silence.

“Yes, it’s very interesting.” Replies the alien.

“Really. How so?” 

“Well, on my travels around this globe of yours I noticed a lot of you human beings in some of the most beautiful surroundings take photos… of yourselves. The pyramids, the Amazon, in front of amazing art, huge waterfalls, beautiful sunsets and more. You just take photos of yourselves. And then put them on social media… to get ‘likes’.”

“Yep, that’s us. Social media is proof everybody just wants to be ‘liked’.”

“Hmmmm… Little insecure…” The alien says under its breath.

“Anything else?”

“Well yes, I also happened to be here while your fellow countrymen went into a room and put a cross in a box to pick a leader to rule you, deceive you, steal from you, break all the laws they set for you and remove all your freedoms that those in the past fought for you all to have.

“Ah yes, that’s we call democracy…” The human replies.

“Strange. You are definitely an odd bunch.”

“What ‘til you bump into a Brexiteer… Anything else to report?”

“Well yes. I did notice instead of fighting for your freedoms back, you choose instead to sit in front of a screen… for hours! And watch a show of other people watching a screen. Let me repeat, because clearly, it’s pretty insane. You spend the little time you have on this planet watching other people watch a screen. Very very odd behaviour. It will be in my report.” 

“That show is pure genius…”

“Oooookay….” A silence ensues.

“Can I be so bold and ask you a question, and I don’t want to appear rude?” Asks the alien.


“Please don’t take this the wrong way.”

“Hey it’s fine…”

“I just really don’t want to offend.”

“With your 3 vaginas how could you?”

“Cool… Have you ever heard of evolution?” says the alien holding up its 6 thumbs.

Photo by Stephen Leonardi

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